Is this really me?

I step up to the start line feeling like an imposter, a fraud of sorts.
As I am turning the corner towards my final mile I can hear my labored breathing. It is playing in my head like a scratched CD, skipping over and over again in repetition. I hate it. This is not music to my ears. I turn on my ipod and hope to drown it out through the thumping of some old school Rob Base. It works........
I am acutely aware of how hard my body is working to finish this race. It certainly isn't the longest distance that a 39 year old woman in relatively decent shape has attempted. But it is a big challenge for me.
The messages we send to ourselves through self talk are quite astounding really. Everything from the very negative, "Why did I sign up to do this?" "Did I really think I can finish this without stopping?" To the most uplifting-"YOU.CAN.DO.THIS!"

Salty sweat is beading down my face and pooling in my eyes as I try to see if I can spot the finish line ahead of me. Nope, not yet. Crap.
I notice a woman with a baby jog stroller running with twins in tow, passing to my right. My most competitive drive kicks in and I speed up...no way in hell I will let her pass me. I smile at the early finishers as they root us all on and wonder "Just how slow do they think I am?!" I make a nice friend as we climb the final hill together. "YOU CAN DO IT!" She screams to me, and I return the "thumbs up" gesture.

I see flashing lights and screaming people up ahead.....finally, the finish line in sight. I am fantasizing about pancakes, eggs and a huge cup of coffee....not exactly fare for the athlete in training.
As I cross the finish I hear the "beep" recording my time. I look up at the time clock, sweaty beyond belief, my heart pounding. "Decent." I think. "Respectable." I tell myself.

My first 10K.

I turn to grab a bottle of water and pause.

"Is this really me?" I asked. "Am I actually a runner?"

As I sit with my friends digging into my huge breakfast I suddenly feel proud.

And for today....... I know the answer to my question.

Mother's Day 2008

Another Mother's Day.

The hole that a loss of a loved one leaves in your heart forever changes you. Not one day goes by that I don't hear my mom's voice in my head, and think of her. Sometimes, I imagine that she is watching me, observing my daily interactions and guiding me through them. Some call it hope or faith. Maybe it is just wishful thinking. Either way, it gives me peace on those days when her absence is particularly difficult.
Life has definitely moved forward. The kids have grown so much that I often think she would barely recognize them. I have embarked on endeavors that she never even knew I was considering, and things have taken place she never even dreamed would be part of our lives.
I often wonder if I will ever stop keeping track of all those things she has missed. Will I think of her at my daughter's wedding, at high school graduations, or bar and bat mitzvahs? Will I still be keeping track of the missed events in 20, 30 or even 40 years?

I have found an inner strength that I never knew I had over the last year and half. Losing a parent forces you to grow in ways you can't imagine. It sheds perspective on your life and allows you prioritize your life with no apologies.

Tomorrow I will honor my mom in my own small way. A trip to the cemetery....and a long, private conversation with her in my mind. I will tell her that I love her. That I miss her. That it is because of her that I am the mother I am today.

I will then rejoice in the day. And celebrate the greatest gifts in my life. My children.

Happy Mother's Day 2008.

Girls night out

Gotta love the girl's night out.
I try to put them on the schedule as often as I can...and usually get one or two a month. I am embarrassed to admit that I look forward to these nights even more than date night with my husband.
Bonding with the girls over beverages and good food is good for the soul. My husband doesn't need the guy time like I need my girl time. Thankfully he doesn't begrudge me for it, though he does chuckle at how excited I get at the notion of getting out of my "mom gear" and dressing like a real woman.

Girls need their girlfriends.

We need support.
We need gossip between friends.
We need to commiserate with one another over happenings at the preschool, the gym, the P.T.A. meetings. work and at home. We need to feel understood.
We need attention in a way that you only get when you are dressed and out with the girls.
We need Chinese food, Mexican food, salads and sweet wine. (food my husband rarely will suggest).

And most of all.....we need a big fat dessert or two...with four or five spoons and no guilt to make the night a complete success.

My next girls night is coming up on Monday. I can hardly wait. Hope yours is on your calendar soon.

Just who is running the show?

Anyone parenting in this day in age can't help but notice that the standards for acceptable parenting differ greatly from those that are parents followed. As my kids get older I notice many things that are very different from my own childhood. Some good, some...not so good.

Kids don't respect adults.
I include my own kids in this statement. Talking back in any way to an adult was completely inappropriate and rarely if ever tolerated. If you talked back or called an adult by their first name it was grounds for punishment in our house...and I am not talking about a "Time Out".
We feared adults. The lines were clear. They were in charge. We were not. End of story. Kids nowadays look at adults like bigger versions of their peers. We stand taller...that's about it.

Kids don't fear their parents.
Sure, they don't want to get yelled at, or disappoint. But they aren't scared like we were scared. The stakes aren't near as high in my home as they were in my parents home. There are no spankings, and grounding a kid doesn't have near the impact it did twenty years ago. Now that every teen has a phone in his or her pocket he can pretty much stay connected at all times. Our preferred method of taking a toy away worked for awhile...just like Time Outs. They all work for a little while...but nothing scares them like I was scared. When I had my kids I vowed that they would never be scared of me-like I was scared of my mom and dad.


A kid's word is valued more than an adult's word.
This is a big one. Since when did young kids tell adults how it is in the world? I clearly recall that in the "olden days" if another parent called your parent to discuss a behavior or a comment made by your child....you had to answer to it. Honestly, I cannot imagine my mom saying "My kid would never say that...you are wrong" to another mother! She might believe me...but we always had "the talk" and made it right if another parent called our home.

We now live in age where adult teachers fear the kids. They worry when they go to work at suburban schools that they might be shot, targeted on the internet for death plots, struck at or verbally blasted on some site for all the world to read. Kids seem to now have more control that adults in high schools these days. How did that happen?? Not too long ago you worried if a teacher called your mom. You were scared to be sent to the principal's office. Adults were in control and led the younger generation on the right path.



So, as I sit here and ponder what all of this means for the future of my own kids I admit that I am stumped. We live in a different world today. A world where it is more acceptable to call adults by their first names. A world where expensive techo gadgets are for adults AND kids. A world where a hand on the tushie for talking back, calling names or misbehaving is grounds for the Child Protective Services to be called. A world where kids are empowered to make the rules more than ever.

I struggle to set the ground rules with my own kids. Sometimes I hit it the mark, sometimes I miss. But this I know for sure....Parenting is hard. Kids are challenging. And the world today is making it harder and harder to teach our kids to respect adults, to follow the rules, and accept consequences for actions. I can only wonder what these means for generations to come.

Maybe my parents weren't so crazy after all.

Let's get back to business.....

The break was great. I regrouped and feel recharged mentally and physically. Some major things took place while I was away. I finished the book. Now I am searching for an editor and publisher to make things happen......and that is the hardest part of the journey.
I had several people ask when I would be returning to the blog. Thanks for asking, it is a great compliment to know that others like to read what you have to say.

Anyone reading Oprah's book club selection, "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle? I am very curious about this Oprah book phenomenon. She seems to wave a magic wand over books and authors and they immediately turn to gold. She does this with people(think Dr. Phil) and products (think Spanx and Wacoal bras) and books. It is fascinating to me that one woman can have so much power over our thoughts, emotions and actions. Kinda scary and if you stop and really think about it. Hmmmm....maybe I should send her a copy of my manuscript?!

So back to the book of choice. I am 45 pages in to this thing. It is a difficult read. One of the core elements of the book is the notion that you must live fully in the present moment to be fully alive and fulfilled. To let your mind ramble to past issues, or future endeavors is time wasted and not healthy for the soul. Interesting.....but not as easy as it seems. I am guilty of constantly thinking ahead to what needs to be done. Perhaps it does stop me from fully embracing the moment I am currently experiencing. So my goal this week is to fully embrace each moment as it comes. To try to enjoy the time or at least experience every detail of every moment of my life this week. It is a bigger challenge that it seems. For I am the woman who normally makes out the grocery list in my head as I am folding laundry, and makes calls for hair app ts. as I drive to get the kids from school. I am the ultimate multi-task er.
This should make for a very interesting week, and a very dirty house. If you have read the book and would like to share an insight, please leave a comment. I am very curious about how this book is impacting people. After all, it is the number one best seller and has sold millions of copies so my guess is that all of America is now "in the moment" and doing what they can to recognize how their egos are driving their lives.

Oprah has now catapulted Eckhart Tolle's two books to the number one and number 2 slots on the NY Times Best Sellers List. I'll bet he is thoroughly engaged in this moment, and I am sure his ego has been completely untouched.

A new begininng....

As fall rolls in I am in awe of the beauty it brings.

It has been almost a full year since the start of these writings. Of course, one never knows what the year will bring, but nothing could have prepared me for the year I endured. I have had the wonderful opportunity of sharing these events and the thoughts that go with them here, with all of you.

With pain and obstacles comes learning and healing.
And so, on this fall day, I feel healed.

I am healed of believing that I need to please everyone all of the time.
I am healed of thinking that I am immune to the worst of situations.
I am healed of worrying about every obstacle in my day or in my world that I cannot control.
I am healed of carrying guilt for giving to myself.
I am healed of attempting perfection...in any way, shape, or form.

The healing of the heart is beauty in all its glory. I carry all of the lessons from this year with me daily.
My mom's voice speaks to me in everything I do.
My father's illness has shown me that weakness is what makes us human.
My friendships have carried me through hardships and made me forever grateful.

My children have shown me that through love....anything is possible.

Thank you to all that read my entries with fervor and excitment or disgust and disdain. Thanks to all of those who offered comments and feedback.
This blog has made me a better writer.

I am not saying goodbye. That is too final. I am simply stepping away for a couple of months. I am continuing work on a book and hope to finish it by the spring.

Stay posted! And may you all have a wonderful year.

Eating Crow....

Personal Trainers are all the rage here.
It seems that everywhere I turn someone is hiring one to get in shape, lose the baby weight and feel good about their body again.
I admit, I secretly thought that these people were crazy.
After all, most average Americans don't have the resources for a trainer. I never knew anyone in my adult life that had a personal trainer until I moved here. Most people I knew trotted along to a local gym or invested in a bowflex in their basement that was used as a coat rack more often than not.

Then I stepped on the scale.
Shit.

The last six months of my life had taken its toll on me.
I had gained six pounds. Not a ton of weight, I know. But just enough that I felt uncomfortable and my wardrobe wasn't looking so hot.

I decided to start a workout plan. Sensible diet and exercise. Easy enough.
The problem is...I am getting close to the big "40" and what worked before wasn't working so well. I was barely making a dent.
A month ago I had dinner with a friend who recently gave birth to a set of twins. I couldn't help noticing that she looked amazing. Actually, she looked even better than before her pregnancy.

"So, what is your secret?" I asked her.
"Diana." She tells me.
"Who?" I ask.

She then goes into a ten minute monologue about her personal trainer. I am bored at first, then more interested, then fully intrigued.
"Tell me more." I beg her. And she does.....

The very next day I sat and pondered the thought of calling her. It took me all day. At nine o'clock that night I decided to leave a hesitant message on the machine.

The very next day I was introduced to a whole new way to improve my health. My real hesitance...the fear of the unknown, took way to enlightenment as she showed me what I was doing that sabotaged my efforts. My unfair bias dissapeared as our hour came to an end.

I am officially converted.

Like a typical newbie, I feel compelled to "spread the word."

And so here I am. Four weeks later. Transformed.

Not only did the six pounds come off, but I have discovered muscles that I didn't know existed.

She is worth every penny.

Someone give me a big ole' shovel....I need to eat some crow.

Gossip....

Is it truly "gossiping" anytime you mention or inquire about an individual to another while the one in question is not present?
Nobody likes to ever admit they gossip but I am hard to pressed to think of anyone I know that doesn't engage it in from time to time. Most of it is innocent enough and we usually label it something different than what it is "venting" or "running it by you".....when we all know we what we are really doing is gossiping.
But what about when someone is sick, or their loved one dies? Is it gossiping if you ask their friends about it?

I think not.

When someone is sick people want to know three things.
Can they help.
What is the illness.
And how can I "not" get it.



When someone dies people want to know three things.
Can they help.
What did they die from.
How can they "not" die from it.


I don't think this is gossiping. It is human nature to wonder about those who are less fortunate than you are on any given day.
I was shocked at how many people knew that my mom died or that my dad was sick....and I wondered for a second "Am I the lucky one being gossiped about today?" But I quickly realized that most everyone talking about it was sad for me, wanted to help me, and at the very least, was keeping us in the prayers.

And so.....I will continue to ask about those who I am concerned for, in hope that good news will follow.
I hope that others will continue to ask about me when I am in need.

It is always nice to know that someone cares.

Guiltless Vacations.....

The mommy wars raged on this week.
I found myself engaged in a conversation that had me half heartedly defending my choice to leave my children for a much needed vacation.

We don't do this very often, once or twice in a year to be exact.
The majority of my friends in my immediate sphere know the value of much needed time away from the kids. There is, however, another group of mothers who frown greatly on such luxury. I know one or two of these mothers personally...and trust me, they are not at all shy about voicing their opinions to me.

As I planned for this four day trip I heard it all.....the same things I hear each and every time they know a mother is about to get on a plane or in a car and capture some alone time or couple time.

"Why did you have kids if you aren't gonna raise them?"
"How could you leave your kids for so long?"
"Aren't you worried?"
"How can you sleep without them in your house?"
"I got that out of my system before I chose to have children."

And the passive aggressive comment is always the best:

"I am so happy for you, but I could never do it. I would worry about them too much."

Gee, thanks.

When I first had kids I fed into this myth that I was a bad mommy if I ever needed or wanted a break from them. I truly believed that vomit soaked spit rags and constant mothering to the point of exhaustion made me "better" than the rest. It was a life I signed up for...so I figured I really couldn't opt for a break.
It is the mommy martyr syndrome at play. The idea that we must be "on" 24/7 to do our job well. Pretty crazy if you stop and think about it. Common sense tells us no one can do their job every second of every waking hour and continually be effective. Not-a-one.

Over the years I have come to see the light. Not only do I know that I need time away from my children, I also know that THEY need time away from me. They thrive when they get a break from the same mundane routine. We all get into ruts.
My trusted child care provider loves them, cares for them and engages them in new fun ways, that they look forward to and enjoy.
It is a win/win situation.
My husband and I rekindle our own relationship with time away, and enjoy "babying" each other for a change. It reminds us of why we got married to one another.
I realize again why I love this man. Why I chose him as my partner.
And we all know that the greatest gift you can give to your children is the gift of a healthy relationship with your spouse.

Four days will go quickly.
The second I step in my house...my job takes over as though it never stopped and I will be rested and ready to tackle it all with open arms.
As I sit in this quiet room, coffee in hand, the sun shining down on me. I feel calm, relaxed for the first time in a year.
No fights, no spills, no poopy tushies, no rushing. Just calmness.

Aaaahhhhh. I am reformed.

Summer fun.....summer hassles....

It is that time of year again.
Parents of young children watch the weather, and wait for "pool days" to come to suburbia. The minute the temperature hits 75 degrees we all grab the pool bag and head out for summer fun.
Our community pool is the scene that movies about the suburbs are made of. It is a textbook. Every couple from the neighborhood, the preschool, the grocery store, and the PTA are suddenly prancing around half naked, their bodies pale from the long winter.
Truth is...normal middle aged people look better with their clothes on.
The only "hot" factor going on was the rising temperature on the outdoor thermometer.

South Beach....it ain't.

The usual gossip trickles around the shallow end when certain people arrive. The dads let it all hang out, not really aware of the their guts, or caring for that matter. They are completely oblivious to the gossip....except when she struts by them.
The moms, however, care.
Most of us run for our cover up any time we have to move from one chair to the next, go to the restroom, or buy something at the concession stand. No woman I know really feels comfortable strutting around the pool in all of her "baby making" body glory, letting it all hang out.
It is at these precise moments that I long for the body I had when I was single. Before gravity met me and my children took up house in my uterus. Before my hips moved three inches out in both directions to accomodate my new priorities.

Before I thought of a skirted bathing suit bottom as "cute".

The amount of strategy necessary for the day at the pool wears me out. I am tired before I even get in the water.
First you must find a suit that fits you. (this isn't rocket science.... it is way worse.)
You must shave or wax all of your hairy bits. (which often means a shower in the a.m. and another when you get home)
Then you must get a cover up that is both cute, and functional.
You must pack the bag with sunscreen, pool passes and pool toys, snacks and towels and money.
And if you happen to have your period on the perfect pool day....well then, you are totally screwed.

My kids, of course, notice none of this prep work. They gallop around in all their glory, oblivious to the concerns of middle aged spread. They have no cares in the world. It is as it should be.

Ahhh.....to be young again.

I am thinking that the idea of a backyard pool might not be so crazy after all.

A day for Dad......

It has been awhile since I have had the opportunity to write.

What better day to catch up than today, Father's Day.

My own father is here with me on this sunny Sunday afternoon.
I am blessed. We are blessed.

In a matter of two weeks we dealt with a cancer diagnosis, a complicated surgery to remove a lobe of his lung, and now....recovery.


He is strong and ready to tackle life.
A role model like no other.


My father does his job well, and always has. He leads by example.

The nurses and doctors marvel at his recovery. They can hardly believe that this man endured a tough surgery less than a week ago and is already up, walking around, getting dressed and getting on with it.


They call it miraculous.
Dad calls it living.


Embracing life when life seems to difficult to navigate is the largest gift that a father can give his child.


My father continually shows me how to live and how to make every situation in life a positive one in the end. He was my first teacher in life.....and his lessons will always resonate in my head.

Optimism, hope, happiness and love.
With these attitudes anything is possible.


Happy Father's Day to all of the wonderful men out there.
Your children will forever be touched and changed because you are in their world.

Epiphany.....

The old quote "G-d only gives you what you can handle." has been tinkering in my mind all week long.
We have all heard it, I have even said it once or twice. Maybe, for a time, I even believed it.

I have officially changed my mind.

G-d gives you nothing.
You give yourself the power to overcome, the strength to move forward, and the courage to face true fear.

Four months ago my mom died.
Four days ago my dad found out he is most likely battling lung cancer.

I asked myself for a brief moment, "Did G-d give me more than I can handle?"
I decided that G-d has given me nothing. I believe in the power of a higher being, but I no longer have any faith in the idea that G-d controls daily events or give me any special power to push forward. I give that to myself.


My amazing father. Strong, sweet, good to the core. Never tells a lie, always sees the beauty in people....golden.

Twelve months ago I had two parents visiting me on this holiday weekend. Today I have one parent I will visit at the cemetery, and another I will comfort as he fears what his future will hold.
I am not bitter. I am grateful. I have learned to be grateful for today....as tomorrow is uncertain.

I have my dad in the present and I plan to start enjoying him more today than ever before. I know he will beat this monster. He was vigilant and caught it early. He will most definitely survive.

And when he does......I will not thank G-d.

I will thank my father....for it is his fight to win.

A loss...

A moment of silence on behalf of Lauren Terrazzano.




A brave fighter, an amazing journalist....and a woman that was strong to the core.


Lauren Terrazzano
1968-2007
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/05/17/nyregion/17terrazzano.html

Keeping up with the Jones....

Keeping up.
The burbs are known for lots of things...good schools, lots of green space, parks, community pools...and keeping up with the neighbors.

In every burb you will find that there are those people who just feel the constant need to "keep up".
You got a pool?
They got a pool.

You repainted?
They repainted.

You hired an architect to build a new something?
So did they....and it goes on and on and on.

The most interesting thing about this phenomenon is that most of us don't ever think that "we" are the ones keeping up. I know of nobody that would willing recognize this trait in themselves.

Where does it all begin? Are there one or two "free thinkers" in the hood that feed the fire for the followers? Why do grown adults really care so much about what others are doing?
Some of the worst offenders of the keeping up sect are those who cannot "afford" to keep up, but wish they could....they become the criticizers of all things for which they do not have and verbalize it at every opportunity.

You have a pool?
Your neighbor got a pool.
But this neighbor thinks it is outrageous that anyone would waste time or money on a pool.

You redecorated?
Your neighbor redecorated.
But this neighbor shakes her head at both of you....what is the point, they can find better ways to spend their money.

Your kid has crocs
His kid gets crocs
They laugh at all of you for wasting $25.00 on the real deal.

A friend of mine called today. She got a brand new screened in porch for Mother's Day. It has been in the works for months and the final coat of paint went up on Sunday.

I have always wanted a screened in porch. Hmmmmm.

I crawled into bed last night.

"Honey, what about a screened in porch this spring?"
"Nope. Too expensive."
"But Lisa just got one and it sounds REALLY nice."
"So? Why are you playing keep up with the Jones?" He asked me.
"Me? Play keep up with the Jones? NEVER."
"They paid way too much for a porch they can only use three months out of the year." He mumbled."
"I think it would be so nice to have a non buggy place to sit in the summer."
"We can talk about it tomorrow." He groaned as he fell fast asleep.

I called Lisa today to get the name of her contractor.

"Oh, so you are going to build one now?" She asks me with a slightly annoyed tone in her voice.

Uh-Oh. Busted.